“Time flames like a paraffin stove,  and what burns are the minutes I live.” 
― Irving Layton, The Selected Poems

Where do we start, how do I make amends, can we be friends again?  I have abandoned you, I abandoned writing. But one thing for sure is that I have certainly not abandoned my love and enthusiasm for cooking. I find it almost ridulcous that the last time I wrote on here was to wish you a happy New year for 2014, however I did not even get around to posting that. When I opened my saved draft these are the bullet points that I was going to write about summing up my year for 2014...better late than never right? 

asked to host a cooking program on Itay's TV channel Rai uno

worked a three month summer season as a private chef for a villa 

worked as the Chef for special events at the Embassy of Australia in Rome

spent six week yacht sitting

taught cooking lessons

learnt how to make pizza

traveled by car from the north to south of Italy 

spent two months on an island in Sicily, Favignana 

took latin dance classes

addicted to the gym, zumba, in great health

I guess I had writers block on where to pick up, where to start, and what to share with you. Sharing a simple recipe did not seem to cut it. During this year my heart was truly broken, which overshadowed all the great things happening. And as I associate cooking with heart, I think I just lost my heart.

              

For those who know me well know that I have a big heart with intense feelings and even though my heart has been tumbled around a thousand times since then, for the first time in my life I did not believe in love. Coming from me, a person whose primary focus is love, to lose faith in it was simply devastating to my world. Because with every brutal experience I have encountered I have always brushed myself off and put my heart back on my sleeve and continued to be a believer. I guess it was the first time that outside of business I experienced lies, deceit and outright betrayal.

Not that there is ever the right time for heart break but this happened during the first week of my working season, which was to be an intense three months of seven days a week, twenty hours a day, travelling twenty kilometres to work on my bike. Not to mention the heavy down pour of rain we experienced that summer. I arrived home most nights at 2am exhausted and soaking wet from the rain. Although at times I enjoyed many aspects of this job, such as the unlimited budget to buy magnificent produce, the extravagant parties that I catered for, the ever flowing abundance of Cristal champagne and Russian caviar, and the friendships I made with my local suppliers and staff etc. However the fatigue, pressure, arrogance and once again 'the heartbreak' took it`s toll and I think it`s fair to say I lost my soul. My world seemed black!

“After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.” 
― Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance

This 'soul' that I lost was found, not quickly, but I found it again  after spending two months on an unforgettable island off the coast of Sicily, called Favignana. I decided to isolate myself and move away from any distractions, and there is no better place to do so than on an island. I found great comfort in all great things Sicilian; the hospitality, good weather, sea, sun and FOOD. It was exactly the cure that I needed. I was fortunate enough to find a little bit of work in local restaurants and pastry shops which was a priceless experience that enabled me to learn new culinary delights.  The house I rented had a magnificent rooftop terrace complete with an outdoor kitchen and barbecue overlooking the Aeolian Islands and Mediterranean Sea. After no time at all I had made new friends and I spent my days exercising, swimming, working, cooking and entertaining at home.

I returned from the island to my hometown in Tuscany with a new found positivity and my usual oomph for life. As usual I was fortunate enough to find a gorgeous house and quickly set up shop and got ready to settle in to my winter routine. But things pretty quickly took a turn for the worse as my health suffered and I ended up in hospital. Christmas came and went and the New Year was here within the blink of an eye. I ended up flying back to my hometown Melbourne to have an ` emergency` operation for a fertility disease I have.  I flew in and got the job done feeling proud that I had accomplished something tough alone.

When I returned after a month’s visit, I ended up getting `cosy` with a long-time friend, however after some cruel manipulation on his part the story abruptly ends there and I`m left feeling like I`ve been put through the tumble dryer on turbo speed.  The year continues with other tragic events that were out of my control but none the less taken heavily to heart. My best friend committed suicide, and another tries to do the same. My much loved Nanny and my Uncle both passed away in the space of a few weeks. The summer was soon arriving and once again I found myself having to move out of my apartment and I moved between five houses in the space of six weeks. One owner actually decided not to rent the apartment to me the minute I arrived with a van ready to unload my things.

"Never make your home in a place. Make a home for you inside your own head. You'll find what you need to furnish it- memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey"
Tad Williams 

Just when I thought life had presented me with my fair share of obstacles I received a phone call from my ex-husband (who I am still legally married to) informing me that he is expecting his first child. That day was probably the darkest day of my life, and the weather seemed to emulate my turmoil.  I think that night I cried more tears than the sky itself.

However there was something glorious that happened in hearing that news. After a couple of days of crying I awoke one morning with a new found peace that I had not felt in a long time. I woke that morning and just decided not to suffer anymore. In that moment I surrendered myself to life and accepted that I can truly handle whatever life presents me, and just roll with it. I silently said to the universe, it`s ok! And as I found myself consoling the people around me, I found myself comforting and healing myself.

Within days life took a drastic change and all of a sudden work opportunities were flowing in (one of which I took), I found an apartment close to work, somewhere to temporally store all of my belongings and I randomly met a fabulous man, Alessandro (and yes, we are still together). 

It is so true that there are no guarantees in life, no certainties and so much can change literally in the blink of an eye for good or for bad. After a pretty heavy start to the year I am thankful that for me so much changed for the good in the second half. I was contracted as the chef for the private villa of Giorgio Armani and had the pleasure of cooking for the family of Andrea Bocelli. Even though the work was tough I was surrounded by good people every day. A good family and great staff, made the hard work a pleasure. There was no 20 kilometre bike ride every day and thank God, no rain. I even had the added bonus of a boyfriend who bought me ice-cream after work for my sore throat. It even made having a sore throat a pleasure! This work season seemed like a completely different life than that of last year. I am still thanking the universe for this!

So why do I associate cooking with heart? Here is what I will tell you. It is not only essential but it is necessary. Throughout all of my rollercoaster ups and down I have always had the kitchen to turn to, it has been my constant, the only thing I trust. I know what happens when I add water to flour, it’s reliable. So if you ask me where I get my passion for cooking, it`s not that I inherited it from anywhere, it’s simply where I survive. It is what saves my life.

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien